Read on for a helpful way to encourage your child
Mistake 1: Unwittingly encouraging the anxious behaviour
What is the most natural thing to do if your child is upset? Of course, itâs to comfort them, to cuddle them, to hug them. Donât get me wrong ⊠Iâm absolutely NOT saying donât comfort them! I am NOT saying donât be sympathetic. But, in psychological terms this is known as a ârewardâ!
What I AM saying is ⊠Donât OVERDO it! Keep the comforting âbriefishâ while still being comforting and calming and then distract their attention if at all possible
Be on the lookout for calm and confidence in other situations
Keep your eyes and ears open for a bit of confident behaviour at any other time ⊠probably completely unrelated ⊠because this gives an excellent opportunity to ârewardâ them for confident behaviour with a hug or a cuddle
At the inner, unconscious level they are learning that their confident behaviour is being appreciated ⊠and unconscious learning can often be more effective and long lasting. No need to say anything!
Mistake 2: Focussing on the childâs anxiety
Another mistake is to talk about the childâs anxieties to other people in front of the child. Remarks such as the following not only focus on the anxiety but also label the child as anxious and so perpetuates this view of themselves
For example: âHeâs always been an anxious childâ, âShe gets so anxious going into school every single dayâ, âNot surprising heâs anxious ⊠heâs just like his Dad!â
You might be surprised how often I hear these things in my therapy sessions!
Mistake 3: Owning their childrenâs problems as their own
Some parents actually âownâ their childrenâs problems. The number of parents who make comments like these might surprise you!
âWell, we have real problems with anxiety in our house. We get very upset in the morning when we get ready to go to school ⊠We canât even go to friendsâ houses because we just get too upsetâ
So how can you help?
- Very gradually reduce the time spent on âcomfortingâ⊠reduce donât stop!
- Give more attention and praise when you catch them doing anything calmly and confidently
- At first even if you see them being a bit less distressed than usual is worth a word of praise
A very helpful way to encourage your child
A few years ago some research was done about a very good way to ârewardâ your childâs positive and confident behaviour unobtrusively. Instead of using words to praise the child, use the power of positive touch. This was often found to be more effective than constant âover-the-topâ words of praise that the child frequently doesnât believe
So, this is what you do (See photo above)
When you notice that your child is doing something in a confident way, give them a little rub or pat on their outer upper arm about midway between the shoulder and the elbow! This particular place on the arm seems to be particularly âpraise sensitiveâ! Do it sometimes ⊠not always or it is too obvious
The research found that this form of positive attention was often more effective than words.
Obviously, itâs vital to do this in an unobtrusive and natural way!
Donât overdo it!
Keep the âpatâ or ârubâ as close as possible to the confident mood or behaviour
It works so well because the positive feedback is noticed at the inner unconscious level and is easier to believe than just words
DONâT do it every single time ⊠Itâs more effective when it is not noticed as a deliberate strategy
Helpful audios
Remember that these audios for different age groups have been found remarkably helpful for calming anxiety and confidence building. Suggested ages are approximate
https://www.firstwayforward.com/product/love-school/Â Â Age 4-6 yrs
https://www.firstwayforward.com/product/be-confident-be-brave-be-strong/ Age5-8 yrs
https://www.firstwayforward.com/product/let-your-worries-fly-away/Â Age 5-9 yrs
https://www.firstwayforward.com/product/confidence-believe/ Age 10-15 yrs
https://www.firstwayforward.com/product/let-go-of-anxiety/Â Age 10-15 yrs
